Friday, 24 July 2009

I Have Moved

Hello

Thanks for visiting. I've upped sticks and moved, though, to http://www.armyofdave.com

Please come over and have a look. It's a much nicer place, I think you'll agree. The same old rambling but with more leg room.

See you in a minute!

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Movie Meme

I saw this over at the lovely Laura Anderson's blog and thought I could kill some time by taking part myself...

1.Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times.

Star Wars Episodes IV - VI (Oh, what a surprise! Man in 30s likes Star Wars shock!) and Dr. Strangelove. And 'This is Spinal Tap'.

2.Name a movie that you’ve seen multiple times in the theater.

I've wracked my brains and the only time I've paid twice to see a film was - the shame - "Four Weddings and a Funeral". I went with some friends and then my girlfriend at the time wanted to go and see it again.

"Is it raining? I hadn't noticed?" Worst. Line. Ever.

3.Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie.

Three little words. John Fuckin' Cusack.

4.Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie.

Three little words. Adam Fuckin' Sandler.

5.Name a movie that you can and do quote from.

My friend Adrian and I can hold entire conversations in the pub quoting only from "Withnail and I".

"What's your name? McFuck?" Best. Insult. Ever.

6.Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs.

I'm a straight male so there are none. They would take away my bloke licence. Saying that, I could probably have a good stab at Grease.

7.Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with.

Schindler's List.

8.Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see.

If you've ever had a soul-crushing white-collar job then it has to be "Office Space".

9.Name a movie that you own.

"Independence Day". I stand by my opinion that it absolutely rocks (Well, the first half at least).

10.Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.

Can I cheat and say Johnny Depp because he was originally a musician before "A Nightmare on Elm Street"?

11.Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in?

Drive-ins are conspicuous by their absence in the home counties.

No.12. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven’t yet gotten around to it.

"In Bruges" and "No Country for Old Men" have been sat on the sideboard from LoveFilm for several months now.

13.Ever walked out of a movie?

No. Came very close during "Seven" and "Starship Troopers" though. This had nothing to do with the quality of the films and everything to do with the quality of my hangover.

14.Name a movie that made you cry in the theater.

Oh dear. I'm terrible watching films. I'm pretty sure I welled up during "Independence Day". The worst time was "Philedelphia", though. I was about 18, with some friends. I almost went during the family party scene, but I stayed strong. I'd made it all the way through. And then they started playing Neil Young. I'm a sucker for Neil Young. The complete stranger next to me passed me tissues.

15.What’s the last movie you saw in the theater?

Sadly, I can't remember. The last one I remember seeing was "Enchanted" but I'm sure I've been since. Was pleasantly surprised by the whole affair. And I have the hots for Amy Adams. She's a possible future ex-Mrs Turner.

16.What’s your favorite/preferred genre of movie?

I'm probably going to have to say comedy, aren't I?

17.What’s the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?

'The Jungle Book'. Back before VHS and DVD, the only way you could see an old film was if it was re-released. They should do that more. Nothing beats being a small child and the lights dimming. See? I'm welling up typing that! Pussy.

18.What movie do you wish you had never seen?

That's an interesting question. True, there have been many films after which I've proclaimed "there's two hours of my life I'll never get back" but I've probably learnt something from all of them.

19.What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed?

I'd have to say "What's Up, Tiger Lilly?". Primarily because I've never seen the technique used in a film before or since.

If you don't know it, Woody Allen took a Japanese Bond-esque spy movie and then overdubbed it with a group of actors. And then the Lovin' Spoonful pop up half way through and perform a song. All very sixties.

"Name an American president."
"Abraham Lincoln?"

Which currently makes no sense, but in context is one of the funniest lines ever.

20.What is the scariest movie you’ve seen?

'The Shining'. My brother and I were watching it for the first time. It was Hallowe'en, we had popcorn and all the lights off. Half way through, my brother turns to me.

Bro: "I need to go to the toilet."
Me: "Okay".
Bro: "Will you come with me?"
Me: "Yes."

And then I hung around in the toilet with him because neither of us wanted to be alone at that point.

21.What is the funniest movie you’ve seen?

'This is Spinal Tap'. Don't try and persuade me otherwise. "It's a thin line between stupid and clever". Better than Shakespeare, that.

Monday, 20 July 2009

Screenwriters' Festival - Like Glastonbury Without the Silly Hats

I've suddenly realised that the Screenwriters' Festival in only a handful of months away.


Admittedly, I've only realised this after getting another email from the organisers demanding a headshot for the delegates list. So I got the Better Half to take this:




The thick-rimmed glasses. The cardigan. The thousand yard stare. Doesn't it just scream "professional writer"? That or "likes to keep his victims in a box".

I'm wholly unprepared for the whole event. I've completely forgotten the plot of "In the Name of Light Entertainment", my entry for the "Son of a Pitch" contest. Not a good start. I also have an uncontrollable urge to sing "Sweet Caroline" if anybody hands me a microphone.

So, who's going? Where are you staying? Can I count on your vote for the contest? Should we organise a drink one night for all the bloggers/blog readers?

Friday, 17 July 2009

Signs of the Coming Apocalypse Part 3.

You mean she's (ghost) writing children's books now? FFS.

With all the great works of children's fiction out there, who in their right mind would choose something written by a woman who's entire career has been based on getting her tits out and marrying the world's most un-life-like man?

My biggest disappointment, though, is that she isn't a fan of dogs so there could be a range of books titled "Katie Price's Perfect Puppies". Then the offices of the Sun newspaper would implode in a shower of double entendre. 

P.S. I'm not sure what a double entendre is. Can anybody fill me in?

Boom - and indeed - Boom.

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Inexplicably Popular Posts

Hello.

You will notice on the left hand side, I've added an "Inexplicably Popular Posts" widget. I may be using the word "popular" incorrectly, but they're the most read posts on this l'il ol' blog. Sort of a "Beginners Guide to Dave's Brain".

I should probably be concerned that my confession of love for a cartoon bear should be the 5th most read thing I've written.

My mother must be so proud.

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Spot The Mistake

Sky's website handily compiles the day's newspaper front pages. I searched for "newspaper front pages 2009" and I have printed the results below.

Hang on. The 9th July 2009 is missing from the list. Surely some mistake?


Oh, wasn't that the day that the Guardian printed the story about the News International owned Sun allegedly hacking telephone messages? Now, it does list the 9th July's headlines on the next page but, for some reason, Sky feels that day's front pages have less relevance than any other day of the month.

Just an observation.

Monday, 13 July 2009

Worst. Pun. Ever.

My town holds an annual Roald Dahl festival.

Just so you've got that:

Roald Dahl.
Festival.

No Hitchcock.

My local newspaper reported it thus:


Bored At Work?

So, it's Monday morning. The long week stretches out in front of you like a long, stretchy thing.

How are you and your work colleagues going to entertain yourselves for the next five days?

Here's an idea:

Do you have security swipe cards with embarrassing pictures on? Are all these pictures kept in a central location on the company's network?

Why not print these out and then make your own personalised 'Guess Who?' game?

"Do they have too many teddy bears on their desk?"

"Yes" Click. Click. Click.

"Do they reveal too much about their personal life when I walk past them?"

"Yes" Click. Click. Click.

"Is it Linda from accounts?"

"Yes."

Friday, 10 July 2009

You Mean I Have To Do Everything Myself?


Haven't the Jacksons watched 'Dawn of the Dead'?


But it's the only way of making sure he doesn't come back as a zombie and do the 'Thriller' dance for real!!!

School Gate Politics

I've not been able to get much writing done this week as every time I return home from work, I find a house full of other people's children. It's like gatecrashing a party full of drunk dwarves and, ironically, that would've been the dream when I was younger.

After we'd removed the hoardes and the spagetti hoops from the walls, we had to attend Kid A's school for an open evening. While there, I learned that carrying a month old baby in a sling is like spanish fly. I was beating women off with a stick. Why did I take the Better Half with me?

Also, I was reminded of the greatest piece of one-upmanship ever. Kid A's class has a stuffed toy called Freddie Frog and he goes home with each child for a few days (It probably leaves the school less open to litigation than if it was a real animal). Freddie Frog has a diary in which the children write of his adventures while he stays with them.

It was our turn to entertain Freddie a few weeks ago and I was flicking through the diary, wondering what weird stuff I could come up with. I looked at pictures of Freddie holidaying at Centerparcs and with waxwork statues of the Queen and Barack Obama at Madame Tussauds.

I then turned the page and realised that anything I came up with would be utterly pointless.

There was Freddie Frog sat on the knee of Nelson Mandela.

No, not a waxwork Nelson Mandela. The actual Nelson Mandela.

Nelson fucking Mandela.

It appears that the kid's grandfather was at university with him and was part of his defence team.

How am I meant to top that other than by breaking into the Vatican? And I've already done that once.

Neither my Grandfather, nor his friends, had any songs written about them by the Specials. In fact, no ska band has written about any of my family or friends.

Except possibly "Lip Up, Fatty".

Thursday, 9 July 2009

James Bond Theme Tunes: Definitive Guide

There has been some talk in the Twitterverse of the best/worst Bond theme tunes.

In order to settle the argument, I feel I should re-print the research I undertook back in January. And I don't think anybody read it first time around, so I'm hoping I'll get away with it.


As you can see, the quality of the the Bond theme tune is inversely proportional to the quality of the actual film.

I have displayed this theory in a graph and so it is now a FACT.

In order to compile these results, I listened to every Bond theme and watched all the films. I then ignored all the ones that didn't apply. I think my research methods will stand up to scrutiny.

Take that, Ben Goldacre.

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Childhood Perversions Part 3.

The Better Half and I like to encourage creativity in Kids A - C. Sometimes, though, things go awry. A little while ago, Kid B appeared to have manufactured a cock and balls.


She's her father's daughter, alright.

I've just remembered that my mother reads this blog. She must be so proud.

Before anyone calls social services, remember that I have a mug

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Nick Griffin: Renaissance Man

Just running through some stuff that I was mucking around with recently but didn't actually post. I noticed that Nick Griffin has scribbled something out in crayon and somebody has published it under the title "Folk & Nation: Underpinning the Ethno-State".

If you note at the bottom, it's 22 pages long which makes Dale M. Courtney look like Leo Fucking Tolstoy.

But the interesting thing to note is the "Customers Who Bought Related Items Also Bought..." 'Mein Kampf', works on Mosley and 'The Culture of Fascism".

But neither Griffin, nor his supporters are fascists, right? They just like reading about them. Possibly with their lips moving along with the words.

(Click for Larger Image)

Sunday, 5 July 2009

H1N1: It's Got a Lot Worse. Possibly.

According to my local newspaper's front page, Swine Flu has got a hell of a lot worse, mutated and has now started infecting P.C.'s.

Or the proofreader simply didn't get the irony of the choice of headline wording.

Saturday, 4 July 2009

Childhood Perversions Part 2

I bow to no-one in my admiration of the children's television show 'Yo! Gabba! Gabba!'

It has phenomenally cool bands and guests. The lead singer of Devo shows you how to draw happy faces, Elijah Wood dancing like a puppet,  Jack Black doing the disco roll... Err... the Ting Tings.

Really, if you haven't seen it, check it out. 

But is it really advisable to have a character that looks like a dildo that has been ribbed for her pleasure?

Thursday, 2 July 2009

Author of the Year

Thanks to @patkelleher via @danrebellato, I have discovered the awesome literary powers of Dale M. Courtney. 

I present for your consideration the author's own description for his epic space opera 'Moon People'.

Did you like it? It's real good, isn't it? Would you like to know more of the continuing adventures of David Braymer?

Well, don't worry. He's only written a bloody sequel in which Commander Braymer does "a genesis on Mars that turns out surprisingly good". It's his 'Godfather II'.

But Mr. Courtney is not only a visionary, he has the ear of the President and was responsible for the release of the British sailors held hostage by Iran a few years ago. Well, according to his biography.

The 'Moon People' novels appear to be two parts of a trilogy. But if you can't wait for 'Moon People 3' (as I presume it will be titled), the man has a blog in which he bangs on about some guy called Ben Laden (who I presume is someone he works with and steals his sandwiches?)

I'm just praying that this guy isn't the same Dale M. Courtney who's a nuclear engineer in the US Navy, or we're all royally fucked.

I'm going to hell, aren't I?

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Blog-o-Sphere Hive Mind! Hear My Call!

Hello

Don't worry. I'm working on something funny. Honestly.

In the meantime, can I ask your opinion on something? I'm very bad at making decisions and then I can blame you if it all goes horribly wrong.

You know how people dust off their tennis rackets during Wimbledon? Well, I'm like that during the festival season. But with guitars.

I'm chomping at the bit to start playing (badly) again and form a band. Don't get me wrong here, I have no designs on rock and roll stardom (quite frankly, I need my sleep these days)

The way I see it, there are two ways to go. First, is a fun punk covers band playing the songs that I'd like to hear in the pub (the Ramones, Clash, Pistols, Green Day kinda thing)

Second is doing "original material" but with that I tend to write in a Teenage Fanclub/Neil Young/The Hold Steady way. But not as good.

What would you rather listen to in a scummy pub over a pint of snakebite and black?

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Catch Up

Hello. How have you been? Have you missed me the way that I missed you? 

The others? They mean nothing to me. You're my favourite

Sorry I've been so slack recently but it's not you, it's me. Real life's been getting in the way again. I don't make life complicated, it just seems to get that way all by itself. 

The new draft of 'Stuck Between Stations' has been completed and sent off to the producer. Let's see if he has any ideas on how to actually make it good. 

Now I think it's time to concentrate on my Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse sitcom. 

Or start work on that novel.

Or think of a really funny post for this blog. I think I probably owe you one. 

Or form a band. I've still got the moves:

Yes. It is inflatable. And so is the guitar.

Or just have a shower. It's only half five in the morning and already I'm sweating like Michael Jackson's doctor.

Harsh, but fair.

But mostly harsh. 

Friday, 26 June 2009

Thought For The Day.

America is the only country on Earth where someone born a poor black boy can die a rich white woman. 

That is all. 

Monday, 22 June 2009

Official Declaration of my Greatness


There. It's official. I am the World's Greatest Dad. I've got a mug to prove it and I'll wave it in the faces of social services if they come knocking. "You can't take them away! I have crockery and we all know that crockery is objective!"

It has also been seconded by the coaster it came with.

Sunday, 21 June 2009

Pinko Liberal Writing Competition

If, unlike me, you're not a pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian-reading-liberal you may not have noticed the writing competition the pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian appears to be running. 

Every year, the pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian Weekend magazine publishes an annual summer short story edition. Normally these are written by established pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian-reading-liberal authors.

But this year, they will publish a story written by a pinko-bed-wetting-bleeding-heart-white-male-middle-class-guilt-ridden-Guardian-reader. It can be on any theme, must be unpublished and no longer than 2,000 words. Full details can be found here 

Sorry. I appear to have been channelling the spirit of Richard Littlejohn in that post. 

Saturday, 20 June 2009

Dave's World of Sport

The sun is out and it's a weekend of sport.

I have a very narrow definition of what constitutes a sport. It came about after a very long afternoon in the pub and much debate and compromise with friends:

"If you can play it professionally wearing slacks, it's not a sport. It's a pastime."

Golf? Pastime. Snooker? Pastime. Darts? Pas-fuckin'-time.

Much to the annoyance of some friends and family, this means that cricket is not technically a sport. Or much fun to watch. Only the English could invent a game that lasts for five days and still result in a draw. The only thing it has going for it is the opportunity to drink outside without feeling like a tramp.

Formula One is just as bad. There's something wrong when what goes on behind the scenes is far more interesting than what actually happens on the track. And I can't understand the way people support a company (though, I suppose, what's the difference between supporting Ferrari or Manchester United these days? They're both multi-national corporations.)

Question for Formula One fans. When I watch Newcastle United play, I wear a replica top. When you watch racing, do you sit on your sofa wearing a flame retardant suit?

(For some, the family curse is webbed toes or the haunted castle in Bavaria. The Turner family curse is having to support Newcastle United. Seriously, if I changed allegience, I'm out of my father's will)

Thursday, 18 June 2009

Brian Blessed In Your Pocket

New from David P. Turnerberger III Enterprises.
The Brian-Blessed-In-Your-Pocket! Comes with 5 phrases:

1. "I'M BRIAN BLESSED!"

2. "SLIT THEIR GIZZARDS!"

3. "HAWKMEN! DIIIIIIIVE!!!"

4. "YOU'VE WON! LET HIM DIE!"

And of course:

5. "GORDON'S ALIVE!"

All lovingly rendered at 140 decibels.

Impress your friends! Annoy your neighbours! Worry your pets!

If I can get the funding, I reckon we could have it in the shops by Christmas. Who wants one?
Phrases designed in conjunction with Anton and Rob Stickler.

'Lost' Masterclass

I don't know about you but, personally, I gave up on 'Lost' about half way through the first series when I suddenly realised that they had no idea where they were going with the programme.

Then I caught a documentary/puff piece about the last season finale on Sky 1 and it looks like it's gone completely insane and got a hell of a lot more fun. It's even got time travel paradoxes which, as we all know, are my favourite kind of paradox. I might start watching again.

Anyway, if you're going to the Screenwriters' Festival (and, if not, why not?), there's an opportunity to take part in Masterclasses with Carlton Cuse, Damon Lindelof and the gloriously named Jack Bender (have fun at passport control, Jack!)

It's at BAFTA on 3rd July and the full details are here.

Continuing the juvenile giggling at peoples' names, did I always read the credits on Buffy correctly and the music was composed by a Thomas Wanker?

Monday, 15 June 2009

That Iraq War Report In Full

The government announced that an independent inquiry on the war in Iraq is to be launched.

Though they have confirmed that the results will not be released until 2010, I can reveal that it investigation has already been completed by somebody close to the current administration and that I have received a leaked copy of the findings.:

Friday, 12 June 2009

Smashing the Laws of Thermodynamics

Living with 3 kids is hard work. The Better Half and I are always tired, emotional and confused. It's like constantly being drunk, but more expensive.

But that's not stopped my research. Yes, the basic tenets of physics are coming crashing around our ears at Chez Turner.

In the last few weeks, I have created the world's first perpetual motion machine. All you require is a trampoline and 2 toddlers. They. Never. Stop. Bouncing. I've been powering my laptop just through wiring it up to the garden.

But the big news is that I've found the Holy Grail of physical science. The laws of physics state that you can't get more energy out of a system that you put in. When you burn coal, for example, you're not creating energy, you're just converting it into heat.

But I'm pretty sure that Kid C is releasing more stuff from both ends than we're putting in. I've got to do the calculations, but I think with a few thousand new-borns linked together in parallel, I can solve the world's energy crisis.

That's worth a Nobel prize, isn't it? A Grammy at the least.

Where's my column in the Guardian Family section?

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

A Guide To Parenthood

The flow chart below currently sums up my life. I hope that it's a handy guide for all of you.







Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Ooh! I'm On Another Website!

As you may or may not know, I'm off to the Screenwriters' Festival in October.

On their very informative website, they're running a "Why I Write Where I Write" column.

And they've put my submission on it! OK, I also put it on here ages ago but if you never read it here, you can read it here.

As you can understand, I'm pretty swamped at the moment, but I'll get onto a proper post soon.

It will have flow charts.

Once I figure out how to do them.

Woo.

Thursday, 4 June 2009

The Day Today

I visit the BNP website so you don't have to. There, I noticed a little icon titled "Careers".

Well, I had to click on that, didn't I? And there's an application form. An application form that contains these questions:

'Nationality' and 'Do you need a work permit to be employed in the UK?'. Please note that if the BNP are successful in our grasp for power, we'd reward your hard work by returning you to Daygo or Bongo-Bongo Land.

If you don't believe me, the link to the site is here. Now, remember this is a link to the BNP's site so it's not going to be Safe For Work. Nor Safe For Rational Thought. 

I'm still not sure under what guise to apply for a job. Maybe we should all do that and waste some more of their time. Then, in 6 months time, demand to see the applications under the Freedom of Information Act. They'll probably have binned them. Then we can all trot off to the Information Commissioner. 

I'm off out in a little while to take advantage of my democratic rights. I hope that you do too. A right that the BNP would like to deny you, though they claim to be the most democratic political party (and I use the term "political party" incorrectly).

What they really think is:

"What we urgently need, and must have to survive, is very much less democracy, a very much smaller, more carefully selected and more intelligent electorate... Granting a vote to each and every one of the natives of Britain was madness... Lunacy could hardly go further!" (Internal BNP Document that I read up on here)

I presume "a very much smaller, more carefully selected and more intelligent electorate" translates as "our thick-necked mates".

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

One For the Drunks Amongst You

Today's handy hint will save you both time AND money.

So, you've been out for a few drinks and, if you're anything like me when I was single, you're going home alone. It's their loss. Plenty more fish in the sea. And you enjoy staying up watching "Dr. Strangelove" in your cold, lonely bed. Sorry, I may be dragging up some personal issues.

You want some food and you need to get a taxi back home.

Simply go into a pizza takeway, order a pizza for home delivery and then hitch a lift with the delivery man to your house. 

Take that moneysavingexpert.com!!!

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

I Can Double Your Productivity!

I'm a very busy man at the moment. In between feeds, entertaining Kids A & B and my chores, I'm trying to get two scripts finished and get something together to show Red Planet. 

Even finding time to eat is a problem. I wanted a Flake and I wanted a doughnut. But I don't have time to eat one after the other. What's a boy to do?



There. I doubled my productivity. Effective time management can be yummy!

Saturday, 30 May 2009

Fresh Blood

Hello. My name is Kid C. I'm quite new around here but I've already developed a typing speed of 60 wpm. My Mummy and Daddy are very happy I've arrived and my intentions appear to be to sleep all day and p-a-r-t-y all night. 

I'm a Mac and I'm 16 Hours Old. In your face, Gates.


Friday, 29 May 2009

More Mischief

I like music. It can be a great force for good. Except "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon. Yesterday, I started thinking about the paradox in the chorus, my brain got stuck in an infinite loop and I lost the whole morning. Apparently, the original ending of 'Terminator Salvation" featured John Conner playing the song until Skynet crashed.

But music can also be rubbish. I don't know if you've witnessed the car crash that is 'Billy Brit'. It's the BNP's attempt to appeal to 'Ver Kids'. Their plan was to take a simple, shop bought puppet and have it sing nursery rhyme level songs about white power. 

Yes. Really. 

Anyway, the key words in that paragraph are "shop" and "bought". So, Tim at Bloggerheads went to a shop and bought the same puppet. And this is what he did:



Text Book. The particular highlight for me is the slight Aussie twang on the words "Daaaaark Skinned".

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

#theBNParetwats - The Gift That Keeps on Giving

You remember the whole BNP hashtag fun'n'games? Well, it seems that the BNP election flyers have a correspondence address on them.

Originally, I'd planned on gathering a whole lot of flyers, manufacturing a papier mache mosque and sending it to the address. Unfortunately, the Better Half - possibly knowing me too well - got hold of our flyer and binned it before I could begin work. That and I have a very short attention span.

You'll know that I'm a lover, not a fighter, and I was wondering why someone would turn to the BNP. Perhap they thought - incorrectly - that they'd run out of options. Maybe they needed to be educated. So, logically, I thought I'd provide them with some options and some education.

So, I've made this and posted it to them:

It's a traditional Japanese origami game called Pakupaku, I believe, but you'll probably remember it from school where you'd write the names of people you fancied in it.

I've gone for bright shiny colours to gain their interest. I've written in suggestions to try and expand their horizons. Ideas for things to do, nuggets of trivia, films to watch and music to listen to (What little white supremicist music I've heard must mean that Nick Griffin's CD collection is shit)

1. St. George was probably Turkish
2. Watch a Spike Lee film. Ease in gently with "Inside Man".
3. Buy a kd lang album. You can't catch gay!
4. Try a curry. They're really nice!
5. Go for a drink with a gay man. They know lots of hot chicks!
6. Listen to some Public Enemy. They've got a good beat!
7. Churchill originally suggested a United States of Europe.
8. Have some cake. I find I always hate less after some cake

Now, I wouldn't dare suggest that you should waste their time by doing something similar and posting it to The National Office, Admail 4148, London, EC1A 1UY.

That would be silly and childish.

Monday, 25 May 2009

A New Project

You've done the writing you planned to do, the Better Half has taken the kids out for a while and there's nothing on the television. What's a boy to do?

It's obvious. You make the world's biggest Kit Kat.

If I wasn't in a steady relationship, I'd suspect that I'd really need to get laid. 

Friday, 22 May 2009

Hippo Breeding Programme

I'm trying to start a Hungry Hippos Breeding Programme.

Next, I'm going to breed a herd of Buckaroos, create a cavalry of Action Men and annexe the local playground.

Thursday, 21 May 2009

The Day I Inconvenienced Tony Jordan

I have the worst sense of direction on the planet. I have an 'A' Level in Geography. True, I can hold court on the finer points of glacial moraines and oxbow lakes (pay attention in class when taught about these, kids, because you're going to need that knowledge later in life!), but this has not helped my navigational skills one iota.

Which goes some way to explain why I turned up 15 minutes late to the Red Planet Workshop with Tony Jordan. I apologised and mumbled a joke about how I was using Zen Navigation to get there (just follow a car that looks like it knows where it's going). He was very gracious and he laughed. And it reminded him of a time when.... 

Tony Jordan has a story for every occasion. I'm a big fan of people like that. And he swears like a docker. I'm a big fan of people like that as well.

And there was cake.

He told me - told us - that we could write. That's why we were there. Aces.

Jason Arnopp's covered pretty well what we can talk about here

So, Tony is interested in what we want to write next. "Imagine you've got three months to live and you can only write one more thing. Something that you want to be remembered for. That's what I want to see."

What did I take away from the morning? Tony (See? I called him Tony!) didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. Write what you want, not what you think people want to read. Don't get bogged down in technicalities. Be nice to people on the way up. But, Christ, it's the way he tells it! 

I've been struggling with the writing recently. With a full-time job, pregnant partner and psychotic children, I'm constantly tired. I'd hit a wall. I've been working on a new draft of a script for a producer for weeks now and I'd only managed to make it to page 18.

After the workshop, I jumped in the car, put my foot down (I was an expert in the minor roads of Bedfordshire by now) and made it home in record time. I burst through the door, immediately fired up the laptop and wrote 7 pages in 3 hours. OK, I immediately fired up the laptop and went onto Twitter. But then I did the writing. 

The passion's back. I love what I do. I love what I'm trying to do. And, just for that, I thank Tony Jordan. If I play my cards right, I'll hopefully have a lot more to thank him for.

Did I mention there was cake?

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

My Stalker


I've had to leave the house. I'm sat in a coffee shop, sketching this post out in my Moleskine notebook while I sip a latte. I sometimes think that if I met the 18 year old version of me, he'd punch me in the head. 

What has driven me from my home? Why do I no longer feel safe under my own roof? 

My stalker. 

He sits there for hours at a time. I can feel his gaze, hot on the back of my neck. I turn around and I see him through the window. Staring. Right. At. Me. 



Scientists bang on about how intelligent squirrels are with all their problem-solving skills, but nobody seems to have noticed that they have evolved to the point where they can take part in Staring Contests. And win.

Though that might be more of a reflection on me than the squirrel. 

"You're just imagining things," the Better Half tells me. But she always says that when I'm intimidated by woodland creatures. Fluffy bastards. 

Monday, 18 May 2009

The Tao of the Chocolate Hob Nob


I felt it was time to do another All Time Top 5. Partly because one or two people enjoy them, but mostly because it fills up a week of blog entries.
I toyed with a few ideas. One was All Time Top 5 biscuits. Then I thought "No, there's only one biscuit worthy of entry. All others are merely crumbs in the biscuit barrel of life."
It's the Chocolate Hob Nob. It's a biscuit so good I actually base house purchases on the Tao of the Chocolate Hob Nob.
When looking around a property, I ask myself one simple question. "If I buy this house, would I be able to buy chocolate Hob Nobs at three in the morning with the minimum fuss?"
If the answer is no, then the estate agent is going to be disappointed. Which is an added bonus.
And before anyone goes on about Jaffa Cakes, it's a cake. Not a biscuit. The clue's in the name.
New Top 5 tomorrow.

Sunday, 17 May 2009

Bloody Hell! An Actual Post About Writing!!!

I'm thinking about trying to write a novel. 

As you may know, I've concentrated on screenwriting but writing this blog has caused me to fall in love with prose all over again. I think I could write something quite funny. I have a few ideas that could be developed. 

Are there any websites that you could recommend? I've got a couple of 'How To Write A Novel' books but I don't think they even tell me the very basic-y basics like how many words you need to write to call it a bloody novel.

Any help will be gratefully received!

Saturday, 16 May 2009

Zombie Apocalypse

I think I'd be quite handy come the zombie apocalypse. I have kids. I know a lot of party games and card tricks. I'd be good in a siege situation. Or really annoying. And I would have no qualms separating a zombie's head from it's body. Particularly if it's my neighbours who insist on playing loud music at two in the morning. 

I bring this up as I've been considering news coverage recently for a project. Every time I turned on the television during the swine flu panic, I felt like I was in a George A. Romero wet dream. 

"This is how the pre-credit sequence for zombie movies always start," I thought as a news anchor rattled off a list of countries while terrifying graphics showed a red tide sweeping across the planet. Never has Hollywood's influence on news media been more apparent. 

With all the hyperbole and confusion, I was reminded of the bluster about the Y2K problem. According to the media, at midnight on 1st January 2000, aeroplanes would fall out of the sky and hospitals would explode in a shower of orphaned puppies. 

Zero hour came and went and the worst thing that happened that night was that I was thrown out of a nightclub that I'd paid a lot of money to get into. 

Nobody really knows whether the work that went into fixing the problem actually solved it, or if everything would've been okay if we'd all just sat back and waited. 

So, no zombies. Yet. But come the winter, I'll be sharpening the shovel and boarding up the windows. 

There was a point to this entry when I began writing it.

Oh! Yes! Remembered!

News coverage has been replaced by the M.P.s expenses scandal. Now, I understand that all these claims have been with the realms of the rules, if not within the realms of human decency.

But I'm concerned by the two cases of M.P.s claiming expenses for mortgages that had been paid off. They have referred to these as "unforgivable errors" and paid the money back. 

I'm pretty sure that if I were claiming housing benefit, paid my mortgage off and "forgot" to tell Social Services, I'd be hauled up in front of the courts. I believe it's called fraud. 

What it comes down to is that either these Honourable Members knew what they were knowingly defrauding the electorate, or they're simply fuckwits who can't add up and shouldn't be allowed near a position that doesn't require asking the question "Do you want fries with that?" 

But please don't all this force you into apathy. It's at times like these that your vote counts more than ever. The local and European elections take place on 4th June.

If you've not done so, you can register here

Once you've done that, you can go here to the Vote Match website. It's kind of like a dating site for you and political parties. But without the embarrassing profile pictures. Though I believe the Lib Dems like "walking in the rain and writing poetry".

In a rare flash of melodrama, can I just say that - to this day - people around the world are literally dying for the right to democratic free elections. "Not being bothered" to take 10 minutes of your day to tick a couple of boxes doesn't wash with me. 

Thursday, 14 May 2009

Quickie Procrastination

Do you - like me - miss the halcyon days of political scandal? When I were a lad it was all sexual deviance, with MPs snorting cocaine off the thighs of hookers and wall-t0-wall auto-erotic asphyxiation. Our taxes probably paid for the rubber hosing, too.

Now they're squabbling over how much they paid for some bathroom taps. It's just not the same. 

I was going to write a long post about Something Important, but I've realised that I've spent far too much time compiling an iPod playlist and have to go and catch a train to watch the mighty Hold Steady and Counting Crows.

So, here's something I've posted before, but I regard it as the greatest thing on the internet that doesn't involve cats. Though the lyrics do involve cat-sitting:


Wednesday, 13 May 2009

So What Have I Learnt?


Thanks to HeavyLight for providing the picture.
That's us just above "porn" and "Star Trek". The two constants from my adolescence.
Only joking. I never watched "Star Trek".
It's dropped off the Trending Topics on Twitter now, but that's cool. America woke up and then people got jolly annoyed with Twitter for reasons I don't completely understand.

Was it the interweb's first virtual flashmob? I hope so. That's funny.

Some people questioned the frivolity of the exercise. Okay, so we didn't change the world, but that wasn't the plan. In fact, there wasn't a plan. That was the beauty.

As Michael Stipe - a man who can turn a phrase much better than I can - once sang "No solution. Spleen-venting. But I feel better having screamed. Don't you?"
Mind you, he also sang "I believe in coyotes and time as an abstract", so maybe he doesn't have all the answers.

I'm fully aware that we were pretty much preaching to the converted. But maybe - just maybe - if one person read the links in the timeline and resolved to vote on 4th June where previously they had decided to stay at home, isn't it worth it?

Perhaps we should organise a Twitter campaign to persuade people to register to vote?

So, a big thank you again to all those who picked up the ball and ran with it. You all rock.

Don't worry. Normal service will be resumed and I'll be back to telling bad jokes about pot noodle, cartoon characters and swearing gratuitously.
EDIT: Oh, and the SpamBots getting involved somehow made it even better.

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Why The Internet Is Great

Hello. Me again. 

Something weird happened today. "Good weird", though, rather than "My Ex-Girlfriend Jenny Weird".

I was at work, sipping my 48th coffee of the day and staring out of the window. I was mulling things over; Newcastle's victory, how to persuade the Better Half to name our expected child Johnny Joey Dee Dee Tommy Ramone Turner and the news on the telly last night.

There had been a segment about Nick Griffin and the BNP. I found myself getting angry about their lowest common denominator easy-answer politics. No. Anger's the wrong word. 
Exasperation.

"The BNP are twats," I thought. I wanted to tell someone that. So I tweeted this:

"Is it possible to get #theBNParetwats as a trending topic? No overarching reason other than I think the BNP are twats"

That's it. Not the most erudite political statement ever made, I know, but I've only got 140 characters to work with. 

Anyway, apparently, it was possible to get it as a trending topic. People liked the sentiment. They re-tweeted it. It snowballed. I sat there looking at my computer screen as it went around the country, then left these cyber-shores. People were posting links to sites of interest to educate those who were unaware of them. THAT was the bit I adored. 

There was a lot of Twitter-Love going on.

Then something really weird happened. 

It was the number one trending topic. It beat Star Trek. Honest. I was in the car and my phone had fainted from all the emotion, so I haven't got a screen shot. But I'm assured it was. 

As I've said on this site before, I truly believe in Evelyn Beatrice Hall's statement of "I may not agree with what you say, but I will fight to the death your right to say it". But, bloody hell, some people make it hard work.

For further reading, I'd recommend Unite Against Fascism

And, remember kids, 4th June is the date in the UK for the European Elections. Get out there and use your vote. The BNP are hoping to secure at least one seat in this Parliament. Together we can -as one - say "No".

And if the rivals of the producers of Terminator: Salvation need me to start a #TheTerminatorIsaWanker hashtag, I'm available. 

Signs of the Coming Apocalypse Part 2.


Is it me, or does the Peter Andre doll look more lifelike than the real thing?

Generally, I try to avoid sleb culture. Personally, I like my famous people to - y'know - have some talent. But I'm old fashioned like that.

But, at times like these, I always have an urge to say something. Peter Andre and Katie Price's management company have request that the "couple's privacy be respected at this time". Notwithstanding the fact that their marriage requires a bloody management company, is it not a tad hyprocritical? It's a line that is trotted out time and time again.

You can't spend your whole life shouting "Look at me! Look at me! My entire life is a commodity to be bought and sold!" at the media and then turn your back and shout "Don't look! Don't look!" when it suits you.

In a perfect world, I wouldn't be able to spot either of them out of a line up and people will have rewards thrust upon them for having a talent and bringing something to people's lives. But it's not a perfect world, so i'm going to moan about it.

Sunday, 10 May 2009

Stating The Bleeding Obvious

The Better Half and I are friends with a couple. They're in a similar situation as us. A SITCOM family (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) with kids of a similar age to ours.

It turns out that he's been pretty much putting it around as much as possible behind her back for the last few years. Now, I've never really liked him, but I must admit that, since this revelation, I've had a kind of grudging respect for him. 

Any adulterous married man with a full time job and two children is displaying quite exceptional time-management skills. I don't have the time and energy to disappoint one woman, let alone several.

Which is my roundabout way of saying that, of all the many balls that I've been juggling lately, the one that I'm going to have to drop is the Screenwriters' Diary. It was a nice idea, but it just takes up too much time. And that time is becoming more precious now that there are less than two weeks to go until the birth of Kid C. I have decided to officially start shitting it. 

The writing is the important part, and I'm getting some done again. I'll hopefully return to the Screenwriters' Diary in due course and I'm still going to blog as usual. Sorry about that. 
 

Friday, 8 May 2009

A Star Is Born!

Remember that #twitstunt thing a few weeks ago? Yeah?

Want to see some footage from it? Yeah?

OK. Go here

It's really good!

Gasp at the panning shot showing far too many empty beer glasses!

Laugh at my really good John Woo gag!

Be amazed at how nasal I sound!

Find yourself bemused by my bizarre pronunciation  of the word "Strange"!!!

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

F*ckwits of the World Unite!

Oh joy of joys. The 'Have Your Say' forum on the BBC News website has gone down.

If you've never experienced it's terrifying beauty, basically, a small bunch of right-wing twunts howl with impotent rage against the world, mostly about the gays, muslims and peados taking their jobs.

The fact that they've been denied a voice for a few days has produced some fascinating comments and conspiracy theories. My personal favourite is:

"I wonder if this sudden fault with HYS has anything to do with the forthcoming election season?

It'd be a shame if HYS members who prove thorns in the side of certain political ideologies and organisations were to have thier accounts "lost" wouldn't it?

I wouldn't put anything past labour or the BEEB"

Errr... I'm sorry, but I think you might have ideas slightly above your station there. I think Labour have a few more problems on their plate than worrying about what a bunch of delusional nutjobs might be thinking.

Though I admit that quite a few HYS members are thorns in the side of logic.

I truly believe in Evelyn Beatrice Hall's statement of "I may not agree with what you say, but I will fight to the death your right to say it". But, bloody hell, some people make it hard work.

You'd think they'd use this downtime to perfect their tin foil hats.

Oh God, I'm starting to sound like one of them. You can experience the full insanity here

Monday, 4 May 2009

Signs of the Coming Apocalypse

1. The Doner Kebab Pot Noodle

Don't get me wrong. I have no pride. I have eaten many, many kebabs. I have consumed many, many Pot Noodles. I've even tried a Tesco's Value Pot Noodle, which I think was made almost entirely of cardboard. 

But what does eating this flavour say about you? It says "I want all the deliciousness of a kebab, but in a more manageable form if it were to come back up and land on my bedroom carpet. You're my bessssht mate."

As a side note, the greatest kebab in the world is Mr. Rice's Mixed Grill Kebab sold at the Oasis Kebab House. It's every kind of kebab meat. Served in a giant Yorkshire Pudding. It's a perfect melding of two cultures. It's the Spock of fast food. Actually, I want one now.

Saturday, 2 May 2009

100th Blog Post Celebrity Special!

Hi! I'm Gos. You might remember me from Big Brother 4. You don't? Really? Oh. That's ok. I don't remember me from Big Brother 4. 

Dave's really excited to reach the landmark of 100 blog posts. But not excited enough to actually write it himself. 

He's currently chillaxing, with a collection of young, greased Turkish boys catering to his every whim. So, he's consulted is black book of celebrity contacts and I'm the only one he considered worthy. Or the only one who was available. He wouldn't say.

He'd like me to say a big thank you on his behalf. Thank you for humouring him. The blog appears to have evolved over the past 3 months or so, from the original concept of documenting his attempts to break into screenwriting into just - well - a collection of ramblings in an attempt to make you lot giggle. He hopes that it's worked. 

An unexpected bonus has been the people he's met, the experiences he's been introduced to and the new friends he's made. The interweb is full of lovely, lovely people. And pictures of cats. It's mostly pictures of cats. 

And to all his Twitter-Friends, he'd just like to say "Earwig".

Thursday, 30 April 2009

First of May

I thought we could all stand around and self-consciously sing 'The Red Flag' to celebrate May Day. 

But then I thought it would be more fun to listen to the wonderful Jonathan Coulton. The man dominates my '25 Most Played' playlist on my iPhone and looks spookily like my old housemate Danny. 

If you don't know his stuff, check out his website. There's loads of free stuff to download and they're all wonderful. 'Code Monkey' is my favourite.  

Be warned that this descends into Not Safe For Work territory rather quickly. Unless you work for Anne Summers or something. 

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable in Ann Summers shops? Everyone else is stood around being very mature and adult about the whole situation. I just revert back to being 14 and just want to laugh, point and shout "Look! Cock rings! Rings! For your cock!"

Enjoy.


Wednesday, 29 April 2009

The People Speak!

I would like to point out that I was not one of the twelve complainants!

Unfortunately, nobody appears to have complained about the Swiftcover adverts on the grounds that they were "rubbish".

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8023358.stm

More Iggy Bashing

The charming John Soanes made a very valid point about Mr. Pop here

"The thing which amuses/appals me is that as a musician, Mr Pop would find himself very hard-pressed to get insurance from the firm in question, as they're one of those 'high risk' categories of employment."

So I went to the Swiftcover site and had a look. Here's what Swiftcover's terms and conditions say:

"We do not cover drivers working part or full time in:

entertainment, gambling, modelling, professional sports, foreign and diplomatic services, scrap trade and fast food delivery"

HE'S ENDORSING A PRODUCT HE CAN'T EVEN BLOODY USE!!!

At least I'm not banging on about swine flu like the rest of the internet...

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

First Cases of Fluffy Bunny Flu Reported

First we had Bird Flu. Then Swine Flu came along (Is it not called Pig Flu because there'd be too many flying pig jokes made?).

Now we're hearing about the first cases of Fluffy Bunny Flu. Symptoms include an adorable wet nose.

The WHO have raised the alert level to four, two steps short of declaring "Rampant Cuteness".

“At last, a disease we can all really get on board with,” said a Daily Mail spokesman. “It combines just the right levels of scaremongering and feel-good factor. Just look at dem ickle floppy ears. Bad bunny!”

Walt Disney was unavailable for comment.


Monday, 27 April 2009

Winding Your Way Down on Baker Street

As you may know, I was in that sophisticated London on Wednesday for the fabled Twitstunt experiment.

It was one of the weirdest nights of my life and, trust me, I've had a lot of weird nights. But in a good way. And I got to meet Lara Greenway, Stevyn Colgan, BrideofChrist, Charles, Sophie and Dan. Good, fun sorts all. But, then, I didn't get to meet them in the conventional sense of the word. But that was the point. I think.

Anyway, I had to get the tube from Baker Street. I'd been there hundreds of times when I used to work in the City and I suddenly realised that I'd never made the cultural pilgrimage.

Not for Sherlock Holmes. For Dangermouse.

And you know what? There is no post box on Baker Street. Children's television lied to me! What a right bunch of Brian Cants.

And, anyway, how did Dangermouse make all those death defying leaps? He only had one eye.

Yes. That's my problem with a programme about a rodent secret agent saving the world from the evil plans of a megalomaniac toad. Depth perception.

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Twitter Experiment

I'm currently on the train to London. Yes, I'm accessing the interweb while on a train! Its like I'm freakin' Neo or something!

If you don't already know, five strangers and I are meeting in a secret location for a drink. But, when there, we can only communicate through Tweets.

If you're interested, you can follow our little bijou experiment-ette by searching for #twitstunt.

It looks to be an interesting evening!
Best Regards

Dave Turner

http://davidturneruk.blogspot.com

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

I'm Worth A Million In Prizes

I’d resigned myself to being unappreciated in my time, like Van Gogh or smallpox. But, after years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes, this scheme is going to get me rich. And quick.

Worried that you’re paying too much for your car insurance? Confused by all the various credit cards and extortionate loans available?

With hundreds of different price comparison sites advertising on the television, it’s difficult to know which one to use. How do you know which site is giving you the best comparisons?

Well, worry no longer. ComCom.com is the comparison site that compares the comparison sites to give you the best comparison so you don’t have to. Giving you more time to look up old flames on Facebook, only to find hundreds of people with the same name who are far more attractive.

I’m going to have Iggy Pop and Michael Winner jelly wrestling in the adverts. Though I think the slogan “Calm down, dear. It’s only a once revered 60s garage rock icon selling his soul to the devil for a quick buck.” might not be as catchy as I’d hoped.

Who’s going to give me the start-up capital?

Sunday, 19 April 2009

Best Song Ever?

Yes. I've been at the bar. I'm listening to my iPod. Found this song. 
And we have @wossy with hair from 20 years ago!!!!




Friday, 17 April 2009

All Time Top 5 Messiahs Part 5.

1. Superman - "Superman Returns"

Did you spot my deliberate mistake? I realised yesterday that all the entries were listed as number five. That wasn't me being egalitarian. It was me being a div.

But, yes, the greatest Messiah figure in popular culture has to be the Man of Steel himself. A celestial father sending his only son to Earth to be mankind's saviour? How much more biblical do you want? It's even an almost Christ-like pose in the picture here.

In hindsight, I think 'The Dark Knight' has spoiled us. It showed that you can marry intelligent character driven narrative to REALLY BIG EXPLOSIONS!!! But the action sequences in 'Superman Returns' are limited to him lifting a succession of increasingly heavier objects. 

But that's the problem with Superman. By having a hero who's invincible, you can't have anyone fight him. Unless you have some Kryptonite. But then, he can't fight back. And if I wanted to just watch someone getting beaten up, I can go and stand in Aylesbury town centre on a Friday night and watch it for free. 

Anyway, 'Superman Returns'. You've actually got him sacrificing himself for the good of humanity and his subsequent resurrection. It contains the line "The son becomes the father, the father becomes the son." and Jor-El, Kal-El and Annoying-Child-Actor-El becoming a holy trinity. It's Allegory 101. 

So, the right choice? 

Thursday, 16 April 2009

All Time Top 5 Messiahs Part 4.

2. Brian Cohen - "Life of Brian"

Well, obviously, he couldn't be number one as he's not actually the Messiah, he's merely a very naughty boy. But it's what he represents. 

The "Life of Brian" shoot was  a troubled one. It survived funding problems, Graham Chapman's rampant alcoholism and George Harrison.

Nope. I can't do it. I can't try and be funny about one of the greatest comedies ever made. Just watch this Comedy Masterclass. 




Text Book!

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

New Writers on Twitter

Apologies for the brief interruption to the Top 5. I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats to find out who are in the top spot. It's like the Red Planet contest all over again.

This is just a quick post to say that there's been another explosion of writers on Twitter. This is because Resonance FM are organising a Twitter/Play experiment and you had to sign up to their Twitter posts. The contests closed, but there's obviously a pool of new writers to follow.

So, if you're not on there yet, get tweeting. I'm here. All you veteran tweeters, give them your twitter wuzziness.

The other writers are following RFMPlay All gathered together, it'll be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

All Time Top 5 Messiahs Part 3.

3. The Messiah - 'Deep Impact'

Yeah. Yeah. Big spaceship called The Messiah that the Earth thinks is lost, only for it to re-appear and the crew sacrifice their lives in order to save the human race. So far, so allegorical. 

But the real reason this is in the top five is down to the gormless looking woman in the picture. Tea Leoni. I just wanted to have a rant. 

I recently watched 'Deep Impact' again and had never realised how phenomenally irritating the central character is. It's like the screenwriters were having some kind of bet.

I have no interest in watching a thirty-something spoilt brat moaning about how her rich, middle-aged parents were getting a divorce. Grow up! You're an adult, not a teenager moping around her bedroom, listening to the Smiths and wondering what you should call your new pony! 

I have wanted characters in films to die before. Perhaps they were evil, or it would give the story some dramatic closure, or it would be some kind of noble sacrifice. But never so they would just STOP FUCKING TALKING!  

I spent the whole film just wanting to give her a slap. And I abhor all forms of violence. So she actually made me hate myself. Well done. 

It's particularly galling when I'm watching a film about a bloody great asteroid and I know Morgan Freeman and little Elijah Hobbit are offscreen waiting to - y'know - emote and blow shit up. At least 'Armageddon' had the balls to level Paris and give Steve Buscemi 'Space Madness'. It's a real medical condition, you know. I think we should have some kind of charitable event to raise awareness. 

Personally, I think all ponies should be called Keith.

Monday, 13 April 2009

All Time Top 5 Messiahs Part 2.

4. Neo - "The Matrix"

Never has an actor's natural state of being been used to better effect. Keanu's natural look of bewilderment and befuddlement mean that there's very little acting required on his part.

Second to the "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" references, the Christ allegory is pretty bloody obvious. The Chosen One. Betrayal. Resurrection. Guns. Lots of them. 

Okay, possibly not the last one, unless they're somewhere near the back of the bible. 

He even starts wearing a frock, so he's like a kick-ass Pope.
I tell you what, I'd probably be more interested in religion if there was more slow-motion kung fu involved. And less hymns and more Rage Against the Machine.  


Sunday, 12 April 2009

All Time Top 5 Messiahs Part 1.

5. Buddy Christ - "Dogma"

It's Easter and I have a hankering for an all time top 5. As I'm already destined to go straight to hell, do not pass 'Go', do not collect £200, then why not the Top 5 Messiahs in Popular Culture? It is - after all - the Greatest Story Ever Told, even if they jumped the shark with the whole rising from the dead thing. 

So, five Jesu- What is the plural of Jesus? Jesuses? Jesii? I suppose the whole point of a Messiah is that it's not meant to be pluralised. Like the Lone Ranger. But with 12 Tontos.

Anyway, to the first entry. Marketing of Easter has grown exponentially over the last few years. In fact, Kids A and B have pulled all the Easter crackers and I'm wearing a paper crown of thorns. So today would be a good time to nominate Buddy Christ from the film 'Dogma'. As they say, "not the sanctioned term, just something they've been kicking around the office".

I also think that this would be a good moment to praise Kevin Smith. It's taken him only 15 years to achieve what it took Woody Allen 30 years. 

To have the public saying "I prefer his earlier, funnier films."

Friday, 10 April 2009

Horne. Corden. Corne. Horden. Whatever.

My feelings on 'Gavin & Stacey' have been documented here

But, as per usual, Arthur Smith goes and does it all with far more style here

Git.

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Thank You Karyn!!!

I've calmed down after the Captain Birdseye rant. And why? Because someone's signed my petition!!! This can do nothing but snowball out of all control now!

For those who are far too busy to click on the link - and for you new readers (thank you one and all! Feel free to say hi!) - here's my attempt at changing the course of human history:

We, the undersigned, request that God / Allah / Yawhew / Vishnu / Waheguru / Tina Fey / Gaia / The Force / William Shatner / Whoever's in charge around here, increase the day length to 25 hours. Go on. Please. Just slow the Earth's rotation down a little bit. We'll be your best mate. 

We've all got a lot on our plates at the moment and we just need that extra hour to get a few more things done. Or watch those episodes of '24' that we've recorded. Which would have to be renamed '25', obviously. 

Mind you - thinking about it - we'll need the diameter of the Earth's orbit increased as well, or all the seasons will get out of whack. We're not very good with the maths, though, so you'll need to do that as well, if you don't mind. 

Actually. as we'll be further away from the Sun, it'll be colder, so that's climate change sorted as well. This is panning out quite well, isn't it? 

We collectively believe that everybody on the planet would be onto a winner this proposition.

Except maybe Jack Bauer. He'd be shagged out. 

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Captain Birdseye Can Kiss My Arse

Christ on a bike. I don't know why this product annoys me so much. 

Maybe it's the mediocre, Middle England, middle class aspirations packaged up for consumers in bite sized portions in time for the recession. 

Maybe it's the advert on a weirdness level so high only really weird dogs and cats can make sense of it. It features a sexy fish finger, for pity's sake. 

Or maybe - just maybe - I'm spending too much time sat in the car on the M25 with impotent rage balling up in the pit of my stomach.

I mean, let's aim high here! How about swan kievs? 

Monday, 6 April 2009

My Blank Pages

Well, the car finally blew up. 
Cock. 
But, in an attempt to put a silver-lining on this particularly gloomy cloud, at least I've had the day at home to do some writing. Which I have singularly failed to do. 
Double Cock.
And then had some bad news from work. Which I probably can't talk about.
Cock The Thrice.
I've been thinking about this blog and the fact that it's branched off from talking about screenwriting and into the realm of "arsing about". Hope you don't mind being my guinea pigs. I'm quite enjoying the release and the chance to experiment. 
But, yes. Writing. Had more feedback from the producers. "Stuck Between Stations" is now morphing into a 60 minute comedy-drama from it's original sitcom origins. We're going for a sort of 'The Wire, but - y'know - with knob gags'. So, lots of intricate plotting ahead. But all I have right now are a collection of characters and 60 blank pages. 
Oh, dear. I'm watching one of the episodes of 'Futurama' that makes me cry. Excuse me. Make that 60 slightly damp pages. 

Friday, 3 April 2009

Fight The Power!


This one can keep his bonus.
Text Book.