Thursday, 30 April 2009

First of May

I thought we could all stand around and self-consciously sing 'The Red Flag' to celebrate May Day. 

But then I thought it would be more fun to listen to the wonderful Jonathan Coulton. The man dominates my '25 Most Played' playlist on my iPhone and looks spookily like my old housemate Danny. 

If you don't know his stuff, check out his website. There's loads of free stuff to download and they're all wonderful. 'Code Monkey' is my favourite.  

Be warned that this descends into Not Safe For Work territory rather quickly. Unless you work for Anne Summers or something. 

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable in Ann Summers shops? Everyone else is stood around being very mature and adult about the whole situation. I just revert back to being 14 and just want to laugh, point and shout "Look! Cock rings! Rings! For your cock!"


Wednesday, 29 April 2009

The People Speak!

I would like to point out that I was not one of the twelve complainants!

Unfortunately, nobody appears to have complained about the Swiftcover adverts on the grounds that they were "rubbish".

More Iggy Bashing

The charming John Soanes made a very valid point about Mr. Pop here

"The thing which amuses/appals me is that as a musician, Mr Pop would find himself very hard-pressed to get insurance from the firm in question, as they're one of those 'high risk' categories of employment."

So I went to the Swiftcover site and had a look. Here's what Swiftcover's terms and conditions say:

"We do not cover drivers working part or full time in:

entertainment, gambling, modelling, professional sports, foreign and diplomatic services, scrap trade and fast food delivery"


At least I'm not banging on about swine flu like the rest of the internet...

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

First Cases of Fluffy Bunny Flu Reported

First we had Bird Flu. Then Swine Flu came along (Is it not called Pig Flu because there'd be too many flying pig jokes made?).

Now we're hearing about the first cases of Fluffy Bunny Flu. Symptoms include an adorable wet nose.

The WHO have raised the alert level to four, two steps short of declaring "Rampant Cuteness".

“At last, a disease we can all really get on board with,” said a Daily Mail spokesman. “It combines just the right levels of scaremongering and feel-good factor. Just look at dem ickle floppy ears. Bad bunny!”

Walt Disney was unavailable for comment.

Monday, 27 April 2009

Winding Your Way Down on Baker Street

As you may know, I was in that sophisticated London on Wednesday for the fabled Twitstunt experiment.

It was one of the weirdest nights of my life and, trust me, I've had a lot of weird nights. But in a good way. And I got to meet Lara Greenway, Stevyn Colgan, BrideofChrist, Charles, Sophie and Dan. Good, fun sorts all. But, then, I didn't get to meet them in the conventional sense of the word. But that was the point. I think.

Anyway, I had to get the tube from Baker Street. I'd been there hundreds of times when I used to work in the City and I suddenly realised that I'd never made the cultural pilgrimage.

Not for Sherlock Holmes. For Dangermouse.

And you know what? There is no post box on Baker Street. Children's television lied to me! What a right bunch of Brian Cants.

And, anyway, how did Dangermouse make all those death defying leaps? He only had one eye.

Yes. That's my problem with a programme about a rodent secret agent saving the world from the evil plans of a megalomaniac toad. Depth perception.

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Twitter Experiment

I'm currently on the train to London. Yes, I'm accessing the interweb while on a train! Its like I'm freakin' Neo or something!

If you don't already know, five strangers and I are meeting in a secret location for a drink. But, when there, we can only communicate through Tweets.

If you're interested, you can follow our little bijou experiment-ette by searching for #twitstunt.

It looks to be an interesting evening!
Best Regards

Dave Turner

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

I'm Worth A Million In Prizes

I’d resigned myself to being unappreciated in my time, like Van Gogh or smallpox. But, after years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes, this scheme is going to get me rich. And quick.

Worried that you’re paying too much for your car insurance? Confused by all the various credit cards and extortionate loans available?

With hundreds of different price comparison sites advertising on the television, it’s difficult to know which one to use. How do you know which site is giving you the best comparisons?

Well, worry no longer. is the comparison site that compares the comparison sites to give you the best comparison so you don’t have to. Giving you more time to look up old flames on Facebook, only to find hundreds of people with the same name who are far more attractive.

I’m going to have Iggy Pop and Michael Winner jelly wrestling in the adverts. Though I think the slogan “Calm down, dear. It’s only a once revered 60s garage rock icon selling his soul to the devil for a quick buck.” might not be as catchy as I’d hoped.

Who’s going to give me the start-up capital?

Sunday, 19 April 2009

Best Song Ever?

Yes. I've been at the bar. I'm listening to my iPod. Found this song. 
And we have @wossy with hair from 20 years ago!!!!

Friday, 17 April 2009

All Time Top 5 Messiahs Part 5.

1. Superman - "Superman Returns"

Did you spot my deliberate mistake? I realised yesterday that all the entries were listed as number five. That wasn't me being egalitarian. It was me being a div.

But, yes, the greatest Messiah figure in popular culture has to be the Man of Steel himself. A celestial father sending his only son to Earth to be mankind's saviour? How much more biblical do you want? It's even an almost Christ-like pose in the picture here.

In hindsight, I think 'The Dark Knight' has spoiled us. It showed that you can marry intelligent character driven narrative to REALLY BIG EXPLOSIONS!!! But the action sequences in 'Superman Returns' are limited to him lifting a succession of increasingly heavier objects. 

But that's the problem with Superman. By having a hero who's invincible, you can't have anyone fight him. Unless you have some Kryptonite. But then, he can't fight back. And if I wanted to just watch someone getting beaten up, I can go and stand in Aylesbury town centre on a Friday night and watch it for free. 

Anyway, 'Superman Returns'. You've actually got him sacrificing himself for the good of humanity and his subsequent resurrection. It contains the line "The son becomes the father, the father becomes the son." and Jor-El, Kal-El and Annoying-Child-Actor-El becoming a holy trinity. It's Allegory 101. 

So, the right choice? 

Thursday, 16 April 2009

All Time Top 5 Messiahs Part 4.

2. Brian Cohen - "Life of Brian"

Well, obviously, he couldn't be number one as he's not actually the Messiah, he's merely a very naughty boy. But it's what he represents. 

The "Life of Brian" shoot was  a troubled one. It survived funding problems, Graham Chapman's rampant alcoholism and George Harrison.

Nope. I can't do it. I can't try and be funny about one of the greatest comedies ever made. Just watch this Comedy Masterclass. 

Text Book!

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

New Writers on Twitter

Apologies for the brief interruption to the Top 5. I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats to find out who are in the top spot. It's like the Red Planet contest all over again.

This is just a quick post to say that there's been another explosion of writers on Twitter. This is because Resonance FM are organising a Twitter/Play experiment and you had to sign up to their Twitter posts. The contests closed, but there's obviously a pool of new writers to follow.

So, if you're not on there yet, get tweeting. I'm here. All you veteran tweeters, give them your twitter wuzziness.

The other writers are following RFMPlay All gathered together, it'll be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

All Time Top 5 Messiahs Part 3.

3. The Messiah - 'Deep Impact'

Yeah. Yeah. Big spaceship called The Messiah that the Earth thinks is lost, only for it to re-appear and the crew sacrifice their lives in order to save the human race. So far, so allegorical. 

But the real reason this is in the top five is down to the gormless looking woman in the picture. Tea Leoni. I just wanted to have a rant. 

I recently watched 'Deep Impact' again and had never realised how phenomenally irritating the central character is. It's like the screenwriters were having some kind of bet.

I have no interest in watching a thirty-something spoilt brat moaning about how her rich, middle-aged parents were getting a divorce. Grow up! You're an adult, not a teenager moping around her bedroom, listening to the Smiths and wondering what you should call your new pony! 

I have wanted characters in films to die before. Perhaps they were evil, or it would give the story some dramatic closure, or it would be some kind of noble sacrifice. But never so they would just STOP FUCKING TALKING!  

I spent the whole film just wanting to give her a slap. And I abhor all forms of violence. So she actually made me hate myself. Well done. 

It's particularly galling when I'm watching a film about a bloody great asteroid and I know Morgan Freeman and little Elijah Hobbit are offscreen waiting to - y'know - emote and blow shit up. At least 'Armageddon' had the balls to level Paris and give Steve Buscemi 'Space Madness'. It's a real medical condition, you know. I think we should have some kind of charitable event to raise awareness. 

Personally, I think all ponies should be called Keith.

Monday, 13 April 2009

All Time Top 5 Messiahs Part 2.

4. Neo - "The Matrix"

Never has an actor's natural state of being been used to better effect. Keanu's natural look of bewilderment and befuddlement mean that there's very little acting required on his part.

Second to the "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" references, the Christ allegory is pretty bloody obvious. The Chosen One. Betrayal. Resurrection. Guns. Lots of them. 

Okay, possibly not the last one, unless they're somewhere near the back of the bible. 

He even starts wearing a frock, so he's like a kick-ass Pope.
I tell you what, I'd probably be more interested in religion if there was more slow-motion kung fu involved. And less hymns and more Rage Against the Machine.  

Sunday, 12 April 2009

All Time Top 5 Messiahs Part 1.

5. Buddy Christ - "Dogma"

It's Easter and I have a hankering for an all time top 5. As I'm already destined to go straight to hell, do not pass 'Go', do not collect £200, then why not the Top 5 Messiahs in Popular Culture? It is - after all - the Greatest Story Ever Told, even if they jumped the shark with the whole rising from the dead thing. 

So, five Jesu- What is the plural of Jesus? Jesuses? Jesii? I suppose the whole point of a Messiah is that it's not meant to be pluralised. Like the Lone Ranger. But with 12 Tontos.

Anyway, to the first entry. Marketing of Easter has grown exponentially over the last few years. In fact, Kids A and B have pulled all the Easter crackers and I'm wearing a paper crown of thorns. So today would be a good time to nominate Buddy Christ from the film 'Dogma'. As they say, "not the sanctioned term, just something they've been kicking around the office".

I also think that this would be a good moment to praise Kevin Smith. It's taken him only 15 years to achieve what it took Woody Allen 30 years. 

To have the public saying "I prefer his earlier, funnier films."

Friday, 10 April 2009

Horne. Corden. Corne. Horden. Whatever.

My feelings on 'Gavin & Stacey' have been documented here

But, as per usual, Arthur Smith goes and does it all with far more style here


Thursday, 9 April 2009

Thank You Karyn!!!

I've calmed down after the Captain Birdseye rant. And why? Because someone's signed my petition!!! This can do nothing but snowball out of all control now!

For those who are far too busy to click on the link - and for you new readers (thank you one and all! Feel free to say hi!) - here's my attempt at changing the course of human history:

We, the undersigned, request that God / Allah / Yawhew / Vishnu / Waheguru / Tina Fey / Gaia / The Force / William Shatner / Whoever's in charge around here, increase the day length to 25 hours. Go on. Please. Just slow the Earth's rotation down a little bit. We'll be your best mate. 

We've all got a lot on our plates at the moment and we just need that extra hour to get a few more things done. Or watch those episodes of '24' that we've recorded. Which would have to be renamed '25', obviously. 

Mind you - thinking about it - we'll need the diameter of the Earth's orbit increased as well, or all the seasons will get out of whack. We're not very good with the maths, though, so you'll need to do that as well, if you don't mind. 

Actually. as we'll be further away from the Sun, it'll be colder, so that's climate change sorted as well. This is panning out quite well, isn't it? 

We collectively believe that everybody on the planet would be onto a winner this proposition.

Except maybe Jack Bauer. He'd be shagged out. 

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Captain Birdseye Can Kiss My Arse

Christ on a bike. I don't know why this product annoys me so much. 

Maybe it's the mediocre, Middle England, middle class aspirations packaged up for consumers in bite sized portions in time for the recession. 

Maybe it's the advert on a weirdness level so high only really weird dogs and cats can make sense of it. It features a sexy fish finger, for pity's sake. 

Or maybe - just maybe - I'm spending too much time sat in the car on the M25 with impotent rage balling up in the pit of my stomach.

I mean, let's aim high here! How about swan kievs? 

Monday, 6 April 2009

My Blank Pages

Well, the car finally blew up. 
But, in an attempt to put a silver-lining on this particularly gloomy cloud, at least I've had the day at home to do some writing. Which I have singularly failed to do. 
Double Cock.
And then had some bad news from work. Which I probably can't talk about.
Cock The Thrice.
I've been thinking about this blog and the fact that it's branched off from talking about screenwriting and into the realm of "arsing about". Hope you don't mind being my guinea pigs. I'm quite enjoying the release and the chance to experiment. 
But, yes. Writing. Had more feedback from the producers. "Stuck Between Stations" is now morphing into a 60 minute comedy-drama from it's original sitcom origins. We're going for a sort of 'The Wire, but - y'know - with knob gags'. So, lots of intricate plotting ahead. But all I have right now are a collection of characters and 60 blank pages. 
Oh, dear. I'm watching one of the episodes of 'Futurama' that makes me cry. Excuse me. Make that 60 slightly damp pages. 

Friday, 3 April 2009

Fight The Power!

This one can keep his bonus.
Text Book.

Thursday, 2 April 2009

All My Idealism Has Vanished With My Hairline...

"Your right leg, I like. I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is, neither have you."

Hello. How are you? It's been a couple of days since my last post. Sorry about that. Have you missed me? I've missed you. Pining like a little lost puppy. "Have they called? Have they written?" I'd ask the Better Half. It's ok. We're all back together. We can cyber-spoon later, or something. 

Sorry. Got caught up in that weird train of thought. Onto what I actually wanted to say. With the streets of London running red with poorly-applied hair dye at the G20 summit yesterday, I was reminded of something that my old housemate, the Mighty Richard, used to say.

Political protest? A pointless exercise. Yes. Really.

Think about it. What's the first thing that happens? All the shops and offices board up their windows and doors. Using wood. From trees. That's the environmentalists time wasted by turning up, then.

And then the police kit themselves up with riot gear. And who manufacture shields, truncheons and helmets? Not magic pixies. Christ, look. The guy in the picture has a bloody gun! Not literally bloody, obviously. That would be bad. 

And if everything does kick off and the place gets trashed, then companies put in insurance claims. The insurance companies pay out and put up the premiums next year. Their profits increase and what drives the globalised economy and the stock markets? The life and insurance companies. Then everyone gets annoyed at the profiteering and we start all over again.

Richard's tongue was firmly in his cheek when he said it, but I like the logic at work...