You Mean I Have To Do Everything Myself?

All Time Top 5 Messiahs Part 3.

3. The Messiah - 'Deep Impact'

Yeah. Yeah. Big spaceship called The Messiah that the Earth thinks is lost, only for it to re-appear and the crew sacrifice their lives in order to save the human race. So far, so allegorical. 

But the real reason this is in the top five is down to the gormless looking woman in the picture. Tea Leoni. I just wanted to have a rant. 

I recently watched 'Deep Impact' again and had never realised how phenomenally irritating the central character is. It's like the screenwriters were having some kind of bet.

I have no interest in watching a thirty-something spoilt brat moaning about how her rich, middle-aged parents were getting a divorce. Grow up! You're an adult, not a teenager moping around her bedroom, listening to the Smiths and wondering what you should call your new pony! 

I have wanted characters in films to die before. Perhaps they were evil, or it would give the story some dramatic closure, or it would be some kind of noble sacrifice. But never so they would just STOP FUCKING TALKING!  

I spent the whole film just wanting to give her a slap. And I abhor all forms of violence. So she actually made me hate myself. Well done. 

It's particularly galling when I'm watching a film about a bloody great asteroid and I know Morgan Freeman and little Elijah Hobbit are offscreen waiting to - y'know - emote and blow shit up. At least 'Armageddon' had the balls to level Paris and give Steve Buscemi 'Space Madness'. It's a real medical condition, you know. I think we should have some kind of charitable event to raise awareness. 

Personally, I think all ponies should be called Keith.

Captain Birdseye Can Kiss My Arse

Christ on a bike. I don't know why this product annoys me so much. 

Maybe it's the mediocre, Middle England, middle class aspirations packaged up for consumers in bite sized portions in time for the recession. 

Maybe it's the advert on a weirdness level so high only really weird dogs and cats can make sense of it. It features a sexy fish finger, for pity's sake. 

Or maybe - just maybe - I'm spending too much time sat in the car on the M25 with impotent rage balling up in the pit of my stomach.

I mean, let's aim high here! How about swan kievs?