All Time Top 5 Part 5.

1. Betty Rubble - "The Flintstones"

Truly, until they draw a cartoon Tina Fey, there can be only one winner.

Cat in "Red Dwarf"" once said "I'd go with Betty, but I'd be thinking of Wilma." WRONG! Wilma was nothing but a shrill harridan. Betty was where it was at. 

Just look at her. A perfect image of prehistoric loveliness, waiting for me with a nice plate of mastodon after a hard day at the quarry. But what could I offer her? Apart from fire? 

I don't know what Barney was doing clearing off every night to the Water Buffalos. I'm pretty sure I could take him in a fight for her honour. Does anyone else think that Barney looks like Rick Parfitt from Status Quo?

So, what have we learned from this long, drawn-out exercise? That my perfect woman would be a red-head with glasses? Shit. My perfect woman is Anne Robinson. 

I need to go and have a shower to wash the dirt off. 

All Time Top 5 Part 4.

2. Lisa Simpson - "The Simpsons"

Before everyone clicks "Unsubscribe" and starts clearing out their browser history, I'm talking about the 23 year old Lisa from the episode "Lisa's Wedding".

When I was 23, she would've been my ideal woman. Smart, humourless and so far out of my league that we're not even playing the same sport. 

Still, if my life with the Better Half has taught me anything, it's that you can get a girl who's way above your station simply through an emotional war of attrition until they finally give in. 

Plus it's a really sweet episode that has me crying like an 8 year old girl with a skinned knee by the end. 

Who will be number 1...?

All Time Top 5 Part 3.

3. Velma Dinkley - "Scooby Doo"

Yes. Velma. Not Daphne. Velma. You've read it. You can't unread it.

I know most men would take Daphne over Velma. Hell, most men would probably take Shaggy over Velma. But not Fred. Did anyone actually like Fred? A man as smug as a dolphin.

Let's face it. She was the brains of the operation. Book-smarts are always attractive and I dig a girl in glasses. I reckon the roll-neck was there just to hide the love bites.

All Time Top 5 Part 2.

4. Ariel - "The Little Mermaid"

After yesterday's foray into the land of "Too Much Information", hopefully a more popular choice. 

I'm a delicate creature. As a child, I felt uncomfortable with the sexual tension in the Pepe Le Peu cartoons. Maybe this is a kind of therapy. Maybe it's just the on-set of an early mid-life crisis. You be the judge.

So, Ariel. Our relationship would have to transcend the physical and I'd probably have to get a bigger bath. 

As a side note, did you see "Nature's Great Events" this week? Apart from proving my suspicions that dolphins are smug bastards, I learned something. Apparently, female herrings all lay their eggs on the seabed together and the males all swoop over and cover them with what Sir David euphemistically called "a milky cloud". That's got to be the most democratic way in the animal kingdom of doing the nasty. 

Anyway, back to Ariel. I have a thing for red-heads and she can rock a clamshell bikini like nobody else. Though I'd probably ruin everything by coming home drunk and trying to cook Sebastian.

Is anybody still reading this nonsense?